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It’s time we talk about Aunt Sally. Mainly about how she’s wasted, and has been for over one hundred years.

You know Aunt Sally from grade school. She is the one your math teachers told you about when helping you memorize the order of operations — Parentheses, Exponents, Multiplication, Division, Addition, Subtraction — or Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally. And guess what? That’s my aunt, and she’s drunk off her ass.

Nobody knows exactly when Aunt Sally started drinking, but my mom tells me that when they were growing up, she’d find Aunt Sally in the garage throwing back…

The best alternative to turkey.

Photo by Wayne de Klerk

2020 has been one for the books, and I don’t mean the history books. I mean the recipe books. That’s right. Forget everything else, because this Thanksgiving, we’re not eating turkey. This Thanksgiving, we’re eating glorious pelican fresh out of the sky.

I know what you’re thinking: What the fuck are you talking about? But before you cram your AirPods back in and keep doomscrolling into the future, hoping that whatever vaccine comes out will also make you more attractive, let me let you in on a little secret: Turkeys are fucking lame. They’ve got a dick for a neck…

Photo by Laura Shepard, Barclays Center, Brooklyn, June 2020

Psst. Hey you. Can you help me? Some unwashed twenty-something put me upside down. Can you please turn me upright? I look stupid. All the other flags are laughing at me. I’m like the Rudolph of flags. I’ve been like this for over a month now and it’s not getting any better.

Don’t you see how my stars look slanted? One of the other flags — Finland — was like, “Why does it even matter if your stars appear slanted since actual stars are big explosive balls of hydrogen and yours are just some juvenile geometric shape?” Can you believe…

Wow, what a crazy time to be alive, you’re thinking. The 2020 Presidential Election is a disaster, dolphins are choking on plastic, and teenagers are telling you to get your shit together. Right now kind of sucks, you think. But let me tell you something. It’s a good time to be a virus. Take it from me, the Coronavirus.

Look, what none of you seem to understand is that I have needs too. Have any of you sat back and thought what does it want? No, you haven’t, so let me tell you. …

Hey! It’s me. Long time no talk. I changed my phone number — and yes, you’re the reason why. You wouldn’t stop calling me, specifically from the cell phones you smuggle into prison, and it had been ten years. Ten years. We talked for over ten years.

First, I want you to know it’s a huge pain in the ass to change your phone number! I had had that number since I was 12. And my new number — with a New York area code — used to belong to someone who must be very religious, because her friends and…

Laura Shepard

I live in Atlanta and write satire and memoir. I have been described as having a heart of gold with a big black spot on it.

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