It’s a Good Time to Be a Virus

Wow, what a crazy time to be alive, you’re thinking. The 2020 Presidential Election is a disaster, dolphins are choking on plastic, and teenagers are telling you to get your shit together. Right now kind of sucks, you think. But let me tell you something. It’s a good time to be a virus. Take it from me, the Coronavirus.

Look, what none of you seem to understand is that I have needs too. Have any of you sat back and thought what does it want? No, you haven’t, so let me tell you. I want to throw your lives into apocalyptic cyclones that make you question every decision you’ve ever made.

Why, you think, did I major in accounting, when there was going to be an apocalypse anyway? I should have gone with Canadian Studies. Why didn’t I explore that interest in pottery? Pottery is so in right now. I could have at least been quarantined among a thousand robin’s egg blue plates. Should I get back together with my ex? Quit my job and start a cocktail blog? Sell my beanie babies? Is the Princess Diana beanie baby worth something now? Maybe it’s time I finally tell my roommate to wash the microwave tray. You have to wash it, I’ll say. Every so often. Also, I hate that clock you bought.

And it’s not even a cool apocalypse that’s rattling your social lives and ruining your economies. Zombies aren’t leaping out of blown up parking lots. People’s heads aren’t popping off. It’s a worldwide battle over hand sanitizer. You are filling shopping carts with little plastic bottles, Chef Boyardee and fruit snacks. You are stockpiling your garages and reorganizing your storage closets like you saw on HGTV. You are singing happy birthday to yourself as you wash your hands, and it’s not even your birthday. You are panicking about not having enough paper to wipe your ass. Maybe you shouldn’t poop so much. But hey, that’s just me, the Coronavirus. What do I know.

I do know something, actually. I know what would be really bad for me right now, and therefore good for you. Now would be a good time for you to have dollars invested in public infrastructure, like hospitals, schools, and public transit. Now would be a good time for universal healthcare. Now would be a good time to help your neighbors. And that is why you must vote for Bernie Sanders to be the 46th President of the United States.